The Trial

I don’t even know what to write. I’ve been wandering aimlessly throughout my days since Thursday, literally putting one foot in front of the other with no real direction outside of trying to get in a workout, studying when I can keep some sort of focus, and trying to write. I’ve not been very successful in any area really. I’ve ignored phone calls and text messages and disconnected from most of my friends and family.

I spoke to the District Attorney, whose office is handling Zeke’s case, on Thursday.

After not having had any communication with them since July, I finally reached out. I was already in a horrible funk after receiving a picture of Shani that I had never seen from a friend just the day before. In the photo, she has her arms wrapped around me and her cheek buried into my chest. As another friend of mine posted on my FB page in response to the picture, “This stunningly beautiful Goddess is IN LOVE!” As much as I appreciate the picture and hope to see it in a positive light some day, this week ALL I COULD see was the woman I lost. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a photo of the two of us with her so full of love--love for life and love for me.

Staring at that picture was like someone ripping out my guts. So in a complete fog and knowing that I hadn’t spoken with them in forever, I made the call to the D.A.’s office without even thinking.

The attorney in charge of prosecuting Zeke’s case told me there had been no movement since July and that due to budget cuts and being overwhelmed in general, Zeke’s case had been passed off to another judge. The last word I had received prior to this was that they hoped to have a trial by the end of the year. With December fast approaching, I wasn’t holding my breath, but I certainly wasn’t prepared for what I was told. They now hope to have a date by February and a trial by June, the second anniversary of Shani’s murder.

I had been told from the beginning that it could take two years, which is crazy to me to begin with, but after being told that it could be done by the end of the year, my hopes were up. Now they were crushed. June??? I don’t know that there will ever be closure in all of this. I don’t think there can be when your wife is murdered by her own son, but I do think I have the possibility for healing and not spending the rest of my life as one of the walking wounded. Having some finality as it pertains to the trial though is important in ways that no one can possibly understand. My life feels like it is currently in complete limbo and at the mercy of the justice system. Sure, I’m working my ass off trying to move forward. I’m doing everything I can to connect, to keep myself healthy and to try to find some sort of sanity in my days. The fact remains, however, that the trial is going to destroy me.

No matter what kind of mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual shape I find myself in at the time, I know that when it comes time to face the inevitable, it is going to shatter me into a million pieces. I will have to relive the events all over again in full detail and may even find out things I’ve been unaware of until this point.

My mind also reels off question after question. What will be the defense’s position? Will the media be there in full force? Will I be asked to give a statement? How long will it take? What are they going to say? Oh God…

And that’s just the reality of the situation with the pieces I can identify now. Who knows what else will come and from what direction. I know I’ll have family and friends around to support me, but it’s a living nightmare at this point. The goal will be to approach the experience with as much caution and mindfulness as possible. That’s all I can do.

But for now, the trial looms ahead like a date for my own execution, and frankly I’m scared to death.