Over the last 24 hours, I’ve done a lot of meditating. For those of you who don’t have a regular meditation practice, which I can only assume is the majority of people reading this, I would highly suggest reading and researching its benefits. I’ll be glad to assist anyone that needs a little direction.
Yoga is a form of moving meditation, and while I cherish the physical, emotional, and spiritual benefits of a great yoga practice, there is nothing like the peace you experience through simply lying or sitting still and going within your mind and spirit to clear away the clutter.
When I bring up the topic of meditation, most people brush it off, thinking it involves just lying on your back, practically asleep, trying to calm yourself down. Without the proper instruction, I can assure you that this would be an impossible feat for most people in today’s society. Meditation is practice and most people find it nearly impossible. They quit when they don’t “get it” immediately.
For me, meditation is essential. Without it, I end up in the place I was this weekend, completely spun in my mind, my ego wanting to control a life that no longer exists, and refusing to accept my life for what it is.
My last blog was all about wanting to escape my current situation, feeling the need to hit the road and reestablish myself both personally and professionally. I looked at myself as being in complete limbo, waiting for outside influences to be gone in order to give me the closure I needed to find peace again. I consider relocation as the answer to my restlessness, like new surroundings and the opportunity to start over will give me the calm and sense of empowerment that my ego needs to survive. Without this direction to change the way I feel, anger and frustration emerged on an amazing level. I was disconnected again in a horrible way, carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, just wanting to push through the pain. I kept telling myself that I could make it, that I could do it on my own.
What I’ve come to realize through exploring the inner workings of my mind though, is that my thoughts and emotions are a human, physical experience. They are not spiritual. When I attach myself to feelings, I find myself dealing with an amazing amount of inner turmoil. I can’t let go. I feel the need to suppress the pain, pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on. In a strong meditative state, however, I am able to see my thoughts as an observer. I literally practice seeing phrases and feelings move across the open space of my mind. They eventually subside, and I am able to let go.
Typically, when I lie down, I am a jumbled mess of anxious thoughts, fears, and other emotions. I may even struggle to keep my eyes closed or my body still, but over time, as the emotions present themselves for what they really are and I am able to release them, I find the stillness necessary to release the control they once held over me. It’s a spiritual and emotional cleansing.
During that time, what I have on my agenda for the day doesn’t matter. I know I will attend to whatever it is when the time is right. In that moment, I am striving for a peace of mind that I can’t get when I am moving around doing “what’s next” on my list. Instead, I envision a phrase like, “Pack up the car and hit the road.” I see it literally scroll across my mind, and I gently push it across, giving it the momentum it needs to float away and leave me.
I have always been a doer. When Shani died, I approached my coping with the situation by doing. I researched what I was feeling. I exercised. I read and practiced yoga. I found that if I was sitting still, I couldn’t deal with the reality of my situation. I did and I did and I did some more.
In late October of last year, however, I reached a point where I realized that “doing” simply wasn’t getting me the relief I needed. So, I sought help and guidance. During my treatment, I was made to sit still with the feelings and emotions from which I had been running so hard. Initially, I was buried. I broke down completely. Curled up in a ball, I shook and trembled, heaving with sorrow. After that initial episode, I began a meditation practice that I carry with me today.
I know I am more consistent with it at some times more than others, but it’s been missed tremendously during my recent struggles. However, over the last 8 months, when I find myself spun out of control, I am eventually led back to that place of stillness, where I find the peace I so desperately crave but can never find while actively seeking it.
I see now that I’m at a point in all of this where I am looking to regain some control over my life. I want this and I want that, but the old ego that ran so much of my life prior to Shani’s death is looking to re-emerge and drive forward without considering how much I have changed over the last year. It also doesn’t consider the fact that I’m still wounded.
With the PTSD that I experience, my system is still so overly sensitive that the least amount of emotional stress sends me over the edge. Feeling restless and discontent, I take control and decide exactly what external forces are going to change my mood—a geographical relocation or a professional advance that I can attempt to hang my hat on will somehow make me feel better about myself. The truth is, though, I’m just not ready for certain things in my life. If my leg was broken, I would give myself time to heal, but when I’m beaten down psychologically and emotionally, I tell myself that I should be doing this or that, that I can just fight through it all. The fact, though, is that my life has changed. I AM NOT the same, and I’m simply frustrated and angry about it. This is not what I signed up for, but I know that acceptance of my current state of being and situation is the only answer.
My meditation practice gave me that realization today. Sitting still and watching my own internal thoughts and demands scroll by was a first step. Disassociating from them gave was the next step, and it gave me some peace today. THANK GOD!
Today, and in this moment, I am okay. Today, I can accept that my life has changed, and today I am going to be kind to myself. Today, I have turned off the ass-kicking machine going on inside my head, telling me that I should be out conquering the world. Today, I was able to let go of all of the internal pressure I have been placing on myself, the pressure to be the overachiever and to be superman. Today, I gave myself the permission to be me, to accept the love and support I have been so freely given. Today, I know that things may never be the same, but in letting go, my new identity will emerge even better than before.
Peace.
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