Sitting With It...For Now

Post it. Don’t post it. Yes. No. Ok. Nope.

I haven’t posted much recently. It’s not that I haven’t been writing or that I am struggling to come up with a topic or anything like that. In fact, I’ve probably written more in the last week than I have in a while; I just haven’t put it out there for public consumption. I have one lengthy blog completely prepared.  It’s about an experience I had last week and the feelings that experience stirred up inside of me, but I’m just not ready to share it. I believe that doing so will be quite cathartic, but I’ve come to the conclusion I need to think it through a bit more. It’s really not all that uncommon for me to write something and then sit with it until I feel confident exposing my innermost thoughts. So often I find myself sharing exactly what it is that I am feeling in a particular moment or in response to a particular occurrence in this crazy journey I’m on.  However, this blog post that I’ve written is about a cosmic coincidence of sorts that has forced me to reexamine my feelings about people I personally held, and probably still hold, partially responsible for the circumstances that led us here.  It’s about Zeke’s father and step-mother.

Almost every time I tell someone my story, they ask, “What’s his father got to say about it?”

My answer is always the same.

I don’t know. I simply don’t know.

I haven’t had any correspondence with him, or at least I should say that none of my communication has been reciprocated. I’m not surprised. After not hearing from him or his wife in the early days and weeks following Shani’s murder, I shot off some voice mails, texts and an email that all but guaranteed that I would never hear from them again. I never threatened anyone, but I made it very clear about the disdain I had for them at the time. And somehow, the father that stayed at home and raised Zeke for most of his life has been able to fly completely under the radar as far as the media is concerned.

In my opinion, some of their actions directly contributed to the perfect storm that led Zeke to the state of mind he was in the day he murdered Shani. This is a powerful statement, but when I do post this particular blog, you’ll understand why I came to that conclusion. And frankly, I may learn even more as time goes on and the trial becomes a reality.

Is it blame or fact? Is it accountability or am I looking for a scapegoat? Is it emotion or truth? It may very well be a combination of some or all of these things. I’m sure that when people read the entire “hidden” blog, they’ll make their own decisions, not only about Dan and Rebecca, Zeke’s father and stepmother, but also about why it is that I would feel compelled to post this information at all. What you should know that it was actually an easier process addressing my anger toward Zeke, the 18-year-old that murdered Shani in cold blood, than it was to make peace with them. With that background alone, I’m sure most people will understand why the following incident threw me for a loop.

I hadn’t thought about Zeke’s father in awhile, but what happened last week forced me to revisit the feelings I had toward him and his wife, the same ones I’ve had to deal with throughout the past 15 months.

So for now, I’ll simply share the strange occurrence that forced me to go back and look at the events of last year as they pertained to Zeke’s father and stepmother. Let me sit with this a while longer, perhaps indefinitely, I don’t know. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and until I get to the bottom of exactly what that is, I won’t feel comfortable completely exposing all of my innermost thoughts and feelings.

So here you go. This is the introduction to what may be the most difficult piece I have written to date since starting to express myself in this format.

Here it is...

Early last week I visited the National Academy of Sports Medicine website to schedule an appointment for my certification exam. As I scrolled down the page, I came upon this:


NASM Champion:

"I had been a trainer for 13 years and carried three other certifications ... they were helpful, but I needed to augment my knowledge ... Due to NASM, I have been greatly enhanced as a trainer, simply because it is effective and builds upon itself."

Dan Cordell
NASM CPT, PES, CES

Dan Cordell is Shani’s ex-husband and Zeke’s father. Coming across his name as I surfed this website was one of the most random coincidences I have ever experienced. Since I don’t really believe in true coincidences, I quickly began to wonder the reason for my coming across his name on this website. In the initial moment, I didn’t know how to react. I was stunned. Shocked actually. My hands were shaking.



More to come later, but for now, just let me sit with it…