Adventure

Structure has always been important to me. Everything has to have a plan, and when we deviate from that plan, I get frustrated. That didn’t bode well in my relationship with Shani.

On Sunday mornings, I was typically up and off to yoga early, and she would still be in bed when I got home. This drove me nuts, but she believed that the weekends were her time so she was sleeping in on most of them. I would always fix us breakfast in bed when I got back though. It was usually the same old coffee, eggs, toast and veggie sausage, but it worked. It was our tradition.

She would get going in the afternoon and want to go do something at the same time that I needed a nap. We would often cap the night with some carry-out and HBO shows lounging on the couch while Shani worked on her crossword puzzles.

I had no idea this was going to happen…but I just burst into tears. It came from out of nowhere. Yeah, like right now. Like a tornado, it just appeared suddenly and ripped me off of my foundation. So through streaming tears, I continue to type…



The point I was going to make before launching into our whole Sunday “schedule” is that Shani operated on her own clock, and I was very rigid. I thought that if we were supposed to leave at a certain time, every second beyond that would be painful. Success has a structure and a formula. If I wake up at “x” hour, make “y” phone calls and work “z” hours, then I’ll make “$” dollars. I attached formulas, strategies and expectations to everything in my life, and when they weren’t met or adhered to, I could come apart at the seams. This made for a crazy dynamic in our relationship that I know friends found comical at times.

Shani literally jumped into my life. She showed up out of nowhere for a workout at a tiny hole-in-the-wall gym in Chattanooga one day in 1998. She came in, took my heart and then disappeared. Two weeks later, completely out of nowhere, I got a call from her from Vegas. Two weeks after that, she showed up unannounced at the gym again. “Who was this girl?” I thought.

No matter, I was in love.

I think we were attracted to those very differences in each other. For me, Shani represented freedom and spontaneity. She took chances and encouraged me to do the same. She believed I was capable of more than I believed in myself at the time. I know for certain I experienced things that I never would have if I had never met her. Shani was SHANI! When she was on, there wasn’t a more wonderful person to be around. She surfed life. She lived. And for her, I’m sure that I represented some of the stability that she sought. I had a career track and goals, although I wasn’t taking risks. Going to that gym that day when our lives intersected was like the bringing together of peanut butter and jelly.

I used to get on her pretty hard about never being on time. It didn’t matter where we were going or when, Shani was always late. Always!

I was talking to Sean a few weeks back about when he and I first met 12 years ago and he and his wife, Tracy, were personal training clients of mine. When Shani first moved to Chattanooga, she was certified as a personal trainer, so to help her make some extra money, I gave her a couple of my female clients to train. Since Sean and Tracy came to the gym at the same time, it made sense for her to take Tracy and for me to train Sean. Sean and Tracy were apparently talking about this arrangement recently when Tracy reminded him that Shani’s employment with me was short-lived. I fired her. Yes, I fired my girlfriend. She was always late! I had completely forgotten about that until Sean reminded me, and God did it make me laugh.

Truly, over the next 10 years, nothing changed except for maybe shaving 5 minutes off of her average “lateness.” That’s just who she was. She was never late out of disrespect for anyone. She wasn’t lazy by any means. She was a free spirit for sure, and that was a big reason that I fell head-over-heels for her.

I began thinking about Shani and her free spirit as I found myself planning the upcoming road trip that I’m taking. I’m headed to Austin, TX next week and then plan to meet up with some friends in Phoenix the first week of August. I had some time between the two stops, so I got a little stuck when I started to think about what I was going to do during that time and where I was going to go. I found myself saying that if I couldn’t lock something down before I left for Austin, I may not be able to make the second trip. I was trying to get everything organized. I needed to know where I was going to be and on what dates, and what we were going to do. I needed an itinerary. I needed a plan. Fear was present.

Then, I thought about the entire last year. When Shani died, I knew that it was capable of driving me insane. I knew immediately that the mountain in front of me could kill me, or at the very least take me to some of the dark places that I have gone, and man, have they been otherworldly. I knew there was a very real chance that I might lose myself and never come back. I knew I could die.

So, from the very start, I began putting plans together. I tried to structure my days as well as I could. I would get up, write, have my coffee and then work out. Of course, I had days where all I wanted to do was to stay in bed, but I rarely allowed myself the opportunity to do so. I had to keep going and going. I felt that if I followed through with my plan that eventually I would see change. I wanted to be able to check off the stages of grief one by one on the grieving “to do” list. I could beat this, I thought.

On the day that Shani was killed, our plans were in place. She was staying behind in Atlanta to work on her job search and rent the loft out. We were being very methodical in our transition to Florida. Finances seemed to be in order, and our strategy seemed sound. And in one phone call, our plans were disintegrated.

I came home and attacked life from a different angle, and through time, I broke down. Life is like a windmill. The only way to make it work is to let the winds blow through and then take that energy and do something else with it. Life is going to throw you around every once in a while, and you can’t control it, so being receptive to change is all that really matters. I’ve had to learn to be willing to let go.

I started thinking about the trip, and the reality of the freedom in front of me appeared. I’ll go to Austin and we’ll see what happens when I get there. I don’t need to know where I’m going next, and I’ll know where I am when I get there. That’s the whole purpose of this thing. Letting go. Letting go of thinking that I need to know where I’m supposed to be at any given time. Letting go of everything I’m holding on to. Letting go of the person I thought I was or even think I am now and allowing myself to be shaped into who it is I’m supposed to be. Thinking that I know what’s best for me, when the fact is that whatever God has in store for me is completely out of my hands. I have to be up for the adventure of living again.

Twelve years ago, Shani just happened to walk into a gym for an afternoon workout and our paths crossed. That day in November of 1998 was the beginning of an adventure.

Because I was open to it, I fell in love.

Tears again…