Opinions Are Like...

In the days following Shani’s death, the story of her murder was all over the television and internet, and the initial reports had none of the information that I was privy to following my debriefing from detectives the day after the murder. All anyone in the general public knew was that Shani was ambushed by Zeke as she sat in her car at the entrance gate to his apartment.

It was released that, while on the way to the police station to be questioned, Zeke had asked to serve his time in a hospital if he was “going away for a long time.” Apparently, one of our neighbors also told the media that we were moving to Florida, which was then thrown into the mix as a possible motive, so a reporter with the Atlanta Journal Constitution wrote that Zeke killed Shani because she was moving to start a life without him.

There was a lot, though, that nobody knew...

Nobody knew that Shani found out about Zeke’s apartment just hours before she was killed. Nobody knew that she left work early that day because she had been concerned about her son for months. Nobody knew that had Zeke told her that he was in trouble that she would have rescued him before he even had his own apartment. Nobody knew that he had been kicked out of his dad’s house because of a physical confrontation with his step-mother. Nobody knew that had we known about what he was going through we would have either taken him with us or decided not to move at all. Nobody knew that all of this had been hidden from us, that he had been lying to Shani about his situation and that his father and step-mother never allowed us the opportunity to help him. Nobody knew that Zeke told detectives that he knew that if he called her that she would come. Nobody knew that Zeke used his own mother’s love to lure her into a position to be killed. Nobody knew anything, really.

However, a lot of people felt compelled to toss in their two cents about how they felt about a situation they really knew nothing about. Interesting, isn’t it? A son lures his mother to his apartment, greets her, and then walks back to his car to retrieve a rifle that he uses to murder her. With that simple amount of information, people blasted Shani on the internet. They thought they had a right to say whatever they wanted behind the safety and anonymity of a computer screen. People felt the need to place judgment on a woman who went to the rescue of her obviously disturbed 18-year-old son. People said that she must have been a horrible mother for a son to do this. Some suggested that she got what she deserved because of her political affiliations. One person even posted what her campaign contributions were to Obama during the presidential race. It’s a sick world we live in.

The day after the murder, on the way back to our condo from the police station, I received a call from one of my neighbors advising me to not come straight home because of the cameras waiting outside of our place. I called the person in charge of the reporters from the local Fox station, had words with her and suggested that she send them home and leave me alone. She objected at first, stating that they had every right to be there. When I told her that she must have no soul and asked her how she could possibly sleep with herself at night, she must have instructed them to leave, because when I got home, they were gone.

I can’t begin to tell you the number of ways that I felt and still feel violated and attacked by people that have no clue who Shani actually was. Shani was as loving and caring as anybody I have ever met. She was passionate and political. She was an activist. She loved people, loved to laugh, and was always the life of any gathering. She exuded joy. You could see it on her face, sense it in her smile, and hear it in her laugh. Nobody knew her like I did, and for anybody to make the accusations they did about her, without knowing her, is over-the-top, absurd, ridiculous, uncalled for, and downright wrong. She was the victim, not the other way around.

I also have no idea why a political web site would feel the need to post a story about a civilian murder. It just fuels the hatred that exists in our country today. The sense of self-righteousness that some people seemed to have where they felt entitled to spew hatred and judgment had me absolutely beside myself for months. The anger and rage I felt toward these people was all-consuming, and I promise you, had I been given 5 minutes with any of them, I would be sitting in a cell right next to Zeke.

Over time, I have come to find that people are people. We try to make sense of a senseless act. We try to frame an event like this to justify the belief that these kinds of things will never happen to us. We watch the news and vicariously take in the tragedies of others, watching people die, thinking that we are completely immune to anything like this occurring in our own lives. We build on our false sense of security. In doing so, we place ourselves on pedestals and go on with our days believing that we are better than others. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but it’s true. We take in the plight of the homeless, or the unemployed welfare recipients and make statements like, “Why don’t you just get a job?” Self-righteousness is everywhere. Compassion is not a prominent piece of today’s society.

People are so caught up in their own lives that they fail to realize just how blessed they are. They fail to understand that their paths were set in motion long before they ever achieved any kind of prominence in life. They believe that whatever it is they have accomplished, they have done on their own. I’m sure that this was the kind of guy that asked, “I wonder how she likes that Obamanation now?”

I’m not here to attack anyone based on their political or religious beliefs at all, and I hope that’s not the message I’m sending here. Shani and I had probably the widest array of friends from all over the world with such a variety of religious and political affiliations that our living room probably looked like a mini United Nations at times. I believe we can learn a lot about ourselves by debating different topics in a civil, even sometimes heated manner. I know those who posted comments would have been enlightened if they spent even five minutes with Shani, hearing her story, listening to what she believed and why. So many people close to us have opened their minds and hearts a bit over the last year simply from hearing my story.

I do my best to find forgiveness and understanding for the damage they caused. I have tried to forget how the media sensationalized our tragedy, realizing that’s just what the media does. I’ve come to believe that I’ve probably been naïve in believing that most people are genuinely kind and caring. The simple fact is that we live in a violent world filled with self-righteous ignorance. We live in a world where people can hate those who profess a different belief system, even if they live a more beautiful, loving, kind and compassionate existence than the person placing judgment. It is what it is though. It’s a complex world full of simple people.

You know what, though? Today, I’m experiencing my own, very human feelings. As much as I want to find peace in my state of being, I realize that I am not a saint. I’m no Mother Teresa. I know I’ll never achieve enlightenment on the level of Buddha or Jesus Christ. All too often, in an attempt to rid myself of the anger and pain that consumes me, I fail to allow myself time to process any of it. I don’t embrace it, and instead, I end up suppressing my feelings in fear of how I might respond. So, rather than work through it, I get blindsided and explode anyway. I swing from one extreme to another.

Maybe I can walk away from all of these comments on the internet. Actually, I’m sure I can. But that’s never been my nature; at least it wasn’t prior to Shani’s death. I’ve always been one to stand up for myself. However, over the last year I have felt so wounded at times that I haven’t been able to handle conflict, at least not in a healthy way. But today I find it appropriate to finally say, in a public forum, what it is that I need to say.

So, to the media, to all of those people that posted judgmental comments about Shani, to those who tried to make a political statement out of Shani’s murder, and anyone else suggesting there is some justifiable reason behind her murder, “Kiss my ass. I know you can’t care less about what I’ve had to go through in losing my wife. Have a wonderful day!”

Love,

Mike and Shani

p.s. I feel so much better now.

Peace.