Shani's Little Girl

I’ve spent the past 24 hours preparing for a trip to Texas. I had originally planned on making a full West Coast jaunt until a couple of things at home caused me to stop and revise the schedule a bit. It does seem, however, that the opportunity to get out of here for 10 days or so is presenting itself. I’m going out to Austin to spend some time with Adam, who was mine and Shani’s roommate in our first apartment together in Chattanooga back in 1999-2000. I haven’t seen him in years, but we’ve really reconnected since Shani’s death. I tell him practically every time we speak that I’ll never forget Valentine’s Day in 2000 when he rode with me to get mine and Shani’s first dog, a black Shar-Pei named Bizkit. This dog was so ridiculously adorable that she didn’t look real. We actually nicknamed her “Gund” because of her resemblance to an actual stuffed toy. She was the cutest thing I’d ever seen.

Prior to getting the dog, Shani had talked nearly incessantly about wanting a new scanner for our computer. Remember those? At the time, she really believed she was getting one as a gift; however, she had also gone on and on about how cute her friend Kelly’s Shar-Peis were. So, being the new live-in boyfriend and wanting to woo and surprise her, I got creative and found a breeder almost 2 hours from where we live. Unfortunately, I had procrastinated and didn’t find this dog until late in the afternoon on Valentine’s Day. I asked Adam if he would go with me, which he was up for, so he and I hit the road in search of the cutest puppy in the world.

Upon our return, Shani was immediately smitten, and from that day forward, that dog was her baby, her little girl. She took her everywhere, and when Bizkit became ill at only 7 years of age, Shani was devastated. She did everything to prolong the dog’s life, and she spent a lot of money in her efforts. I thought we were prolonging her agony and spending too much money in the process. Looking back, I wish I had been more supportive and understanding of Shani through all of that. I now understand how painful losing Bizkit was for her. Bizkit didn’t just receive Shani’s love; she returned it as only a dog can do. When you have suffered the kind of losses that Shani had in her life, losing the kind of love she had with and for Bizkit, I’m sure, stirred up grief in places she thought she would never have to revisit.

During the time surrounding Bizkit’s illness and subsequent death, when Shani wanted to shut down the conversation about how to handle everything, she would look at me and say, “You should have gotten me the scanner.”

The following obituary was written by Shani after we put Bizkit to sleep in early July ‘07. I could go on and on about what this says about the kind of woman Shani was, her ability to love, or how she continues to teach me in her death. I think I’ll just let it speak for itself. Enjoy.

Bizkit Fecht
12/8/99 - 7/3/07

I have some very sad news... We took Bizkit to be put to sleep two weeks
and two days ago... She had developed pneumonia and I was doing most of the
care giving at home. I did this because I knew that if I took her to GVS
for 24 hour care that she needed she would get worse due to being away from
us and being in that sterile, unloving environment. I took off from work to
take care of her by giving her IV fluids, antibiotic shots, steam baths and
copaging her chest every couple of hours. I also had to create a schedule
to flip her on alternating sides every two hours so the mucous in her chest
would not accumulate in one area... She was getting better, but then she
suddenly took a turn for the worse...


This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do... She was (and
still is) my furry four legged child. Since Mike and I don't have any
children together, she was it. We took her to Loving Touch out in Stone
Mountain - the place where she had been going for her weekly therapy
visits. She was very comfortable in that environment - they all love her
there. Mike and I were with her til the end...


When we knew that she was not going to make it, we took her to get ice
cream, bacon cheeseburgers and gave her numerous treats. The last night, we
took her for a ride in the car & I held her head out the window (she had
not been able to do this on her own for a few months because of her rear
leg paralysis). It seemed like her degenerative spinal condition was
advancing up her spine and not just staying localized in her lower body.
Because she couldn't use her back legs, we had to carry her out to use the
bathroom for several months - we had to hold her legs apart so she wouldn't
get it on herself, which she would anyway. She was getting scalded by her
urine, and we had to wash between her legs after every bathroom visit...
This was very hard for her & us as well to have to get to this point... She
just had the look in her eyes of helplessness & we knew it was the right
thing to do... It still doesn't hurt any less. I will be grieving for quite
a while...


My raw foods lady suggested that I volunteer at the Humane Society to help
with the healing process. I'm going to be dog sitting for my neighbor all
next week, so I'm looking forward to that - I miss spoiling Bizkit and
taking her with me when I would run errands in the car - she loved to go
out into the world... I haven't had the heart to put her things away. Her
toys are still in her basket and we put her bed next to the window with her
picture on it. We had her cremated after she transitioned & were able to
pick her up that afternoon. We were going to Illinois for Mike's cousin's
wedding so we took her with us. When we moved to NYC, we stopped in every
state from GA to NY so she could peepee (leave her mark) in each one. So
she got to visit two new states...


I put her ashes up on the stair case because she always loved to lounge on
the landing. She hadn't been able to do this for several months so I know
this is the perfect place for her. I try to imagine her jumping around and
free of the body that just didn't last long enough. I was very angry that
she had gotten so ill at just seven years old, but I'm grateful now that I
was able to share that many years with her - she brought so much love and
joy to our lives with her funny ways and sassy, playful personality. Bizkit
was/is such a special girl and I love and miss her dearly...



Shani