Emotional Traumas (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)

This entry will be the first in a series focusing on mental and emotional issues associated with sudden life changes.

Any sudden life changing event can trigger negative emotional responses. The death of a loved one, loss of a job, divorce or personal physical trauma can create an overwhelming amount of stress on the brain, resulting in a physical manifestation of responses directly attributed to the event. Rarely can an individual go through life without experiencing some kind of deep emotional loss or physical injury, and at the very least, everyone knows or is connected to someone who has experienced a tragic situation of some sort in their lives.

What Is Happy?

About 10 days ago, a former colleague of mine suggested I check out a blog written by a young woman in New York City. Tre Miller-Rodriguez unexpectedly lost her husband last year and is writing a book about her experience. I was obviously intrigued by the subject matter, so I checked it out right away and was immediately drawn in by it.

Tre is an excellent writer with a unique, engaging style, and her story has resonated with me on many levels and in a way that I suspect could only happen with someone who has lost their spouse suddenly or tragically. I have not met any people in their thirties who are in a situation like ours, so to connect with someone like Tre, who is sharing her story with the world, has been wonderful. She and I have communicated back and forth via email, and I am blessed to have found her.

The Veggie Burger

My posts have been fairly heavy thus far, so to send you off into the weekend, I have decided to share a short, yet humorous anecdote, with you, just to lighten the mood for a moment. For those of you who know my disdain for the lack of culture in most of the South, you should appreciate this funny, little story. Enjoy!


In January of 2004, Shani and I moved from New York City to return to Chattanooga to attend to some family business. We stayed there until August, which is when we finally returned to Atlanta for good.

One night, while we were out, I decided to pull through the drive-thru of a local fast food restaurant in one of the outlying towns near Chattanooga. I was in the mood for a grilled chicken sandwich. Shani had taken up a vegetarian lifestyle at that point, although she would still eat chicken from time to time if nothing else was available. As we pulled up to order, this is the conversation that took place...

Who Am I?

Shani and I became an item when I was 25-years-old. How I pulled that off at that point in my life is still beyond me. In looking back, it’s easy to see how little I now resemble who I was back then. Of course, my growth has skyrocketed in the last year because of what I’ve had to deal with. Even before Shani’s death though, neither of us were anything like who we were 10 years before.

When we met in late 1998, I owned and operated a small personal training business in Chattanooga, Tennessee, and I’ll never forget the day Shani walked into the gym. Smitten doesn’t even come close to describing my interest in her. At the time, I had completely sworn off dating in order to focus on my business. Well, that was…until Shani walked through the door.

In The Company of the Grieving

“When you think you know what to say, you don’t. When you don’t know what to say, you do… NOTHING.”   -Me


On Tuesday, May 25th, I received the news that a younger cousin of mine, my mom’s nephew, had died a tragic death in my hometown of Sterling, IL. My mom has four sisters, and they’re all very close. Their mother, my grandma, passed away in October, just four months after Shani. So now, in losing her nephew, my mom was absolutely devastated, and my immediate concern was for her. In less than a year, she lost her daughter-in-law, her mother, and her nephew, who was also her god-son. I just wondered how much grief one woman could take before cracking.

Spirituality

I went to bed last night with the intent of riding my bike this morning. Over the past few months, I’ve been able to sleep 5-6 hours on average. I usually get up once during the night for about 30 minutes or so after a couple of hours, grab a small snack before crashing for a few more hours. Last night, I went to bed around 12:30, woke up at 2:00, and ate a small piece of cake left over from the get-together we had Sunday night. I lay back down around 2:30 and just stared at the ceiling. I was wide awake until about 5:00. It was then that I knew the ride wasn’t going to happen, so I took some melatonin and slept until about 9:30.

Happy Father's Day

Field of Dreams is one of those movies that just resonates with fathers and sons, and it’s no different for me and my dad. Growing up, Dad was always available for a catch. He coached me all the way through high school and was the guy everyone always wanted to play for. His teams won and had a good time doing it. He took a genuine interest in all of the kids he was entrusted to lead, and he impacted the lives of many, none more so than mine.

Anger Management

Yesterday, I woke up in a funk. Actually, I couldn’t tell you the last time I woke up with a totally positive outlook.  I suppose it was June 2, 2009, the morning Shani was killed.

She and I had been arguing the night before about where we were going to live when we moved to South Florida. I wanted to get a place on the water, and she wanted to be a bit further inland. I ended up being the one to bend, finding a condo only about 5 minutes from the beach.  When I awoke the morning after, I sent her a quick text apologizing for the night before.   She responded, “It’s ok babe. I get you.”  She did, too.  She always “got” me.  After that exchange of texts, I went about my day, excited about my new job, the move, and our future in Florida.  Little did I know that she would be dead later on that day.

The Purpose

Two weeks ago today, I endured the one-year anniversary of the murder of my wife, Shani. She was my best friend and lover, and not a second of any day passes where my thoughts aren’t with her. I miss her today as much as I did a year ago, and I cherish every moment I spent with her, knowing full-well that the ten years we had together, eight of which we spent in marriage, were precious, yet fleeting.

At 6:49 p.m. on June 2, 2009, I received the phone call that would forever alter the course of my life. I will never forget Detective Trammer’s words. They reverberate somewhere deep in my soul still today.

“No, I’m sorry,” he said. “She’s dead.”

Nothing can prepare you to hear such a thing. No amount of experience. No amount of faith or trust. Not even God. Nothing.

One minute I was happily married to my soul mate. The next, she was gone. In that moment, I was stripped of all that mattered to me in life...