This entry will be the first in a series focusing on mental and emotional issues associated with sudden life changes.
Any sudden life changing event can trigger negative emotional responses. The death of a loved one, loss of a job, divorce or personal physical trauma can create an overwhelming amount of stress on the brain, resulting in a physical manifestation of responses directly attributed to the event. Rarely can an individual go through life without experiencing some kind of deep emotional loss or physical injury, and at the very least, everyone knows or is connected to someone who has experienced a tragic situation of some sort in their lives.
Early on after Shani’s murder, people around me were telling me, “Mike, this is BIG. This is bigger than you and everyone involved.” They weren’t saying this in an effort to frighten me but to help me get some perspective on the situation and the long road to recovery in front of me. I knew it was big, of course, but how does one gauge the impact of such an event while in the middle of it? In looking back, I’ve repeatedly used the analogy of an atomic bomb survivor. When you’re at Ground Zero, looking around, all you can see is the shattered remains of your immediate surroundings. What you can’t fathom is breadth of the destruction or the height of the mushroom cloud directly above you. Time provides the distance needed to get a full view, but only in time can everything begin to completely sink in.
I am a research nut. When made aware of what was going on with me in regards to the shock and trauma I was experiencing, I dove into the internet, identifying the symptoms associated with my life and attaching labels to all the various pieces. Knowing what I was experiencing really did nothing to ease the pain or to provide a map for healing. It reminds me now of being diagnosed with cancer and having no treatment plan. I did, however, finally seek help from professionals trained in dealing with PTSD and grief. I learned about the physiological effects and causes, the nature of the symptoms, and I eventually gained some productive methods with which to cope.
Millions of people are currently experiencing some kind of emotional disturbance and may be completely unaware of the specific event(s) that represent the underlying cause of their pain. They may simply feel depressed or overwhelmed and not know why. In an attempt to change the way they FEEL, some may be reaching for drugs or alcohol. After a certain amount of time, their faulty source of coping becomes a part of their daily existence, and they have no idea why. It becomes a habit. It becomes an addiction. Some may experience nightmares, social anxiety, or a complete lack of self-confidence, resulting in an inability to sustain employment or healthy relationships. Oftentimes, the smallest level of stress can cause a complete recurrence of past traumas. Unaware of the root issue, a person may be condemned to a life of fear and unrealized goals.
I experienced all of the symptoms of PTSD listed below in one form or another, most of them intense in nature.
· Feeling desolate and isolated, making that person dismal as nothing is left in his (or her) life.
· Nightmares almost every night, brings back the bleak state of mind.
· Although unwanted but persistent thoughts of that event, making gloomy at all the times.
· Terrifying flashbacks even after substantial period has been over since 'that' event has happened.
· Although the person is trying to avoid places and situations that remind him of that event, still his mind is tormented by repetitive thoughts of 'that event'-related placed and situations.
· Feeling of uncleanness and disgust feeling developed, since that event has happened.
· Complete lack of self-confidence since that event has happened.
· Feel hopeless towards life after that event and suppose nothing will do well or nothing can help him out of that situation.
· Since that event a person gets suspicious and remains no belief in this system.
· Since that event over-concern and fear for others increases.
· Delayed shocks or side effects of that event manifest itself in a number of ways at body and mind level, starts making psyche and body systems 'sick.'
· The grief is accumulated since that event, as the person can't unblock this passage and allowed his grief to relieve.
· Memories of that event feeling the person utter depressed like there is no ray of hope, at the end of this dark tunnel.
· Sometimes memory of that event impels to commit suicide or end of life.
· Persistent thought of that event may resort to alcohol or drugs to release mental anguish.
· Gets restless at night while attempt to sleep.
Source: Charming Health | Article on Post traumatic stress syndrome or aftershock effects and emotional imbalance
I am not trained enough to provide a blueprint for handling PTSD, but I can share my own path to healing. I have also found that the coping mechanisms I am going to discuss below can be applied to every daily stressor one may face. In dealing with the trauma, I do my best to apply these principles as I simply move throughout my day-to-day existence, so as not to let one compound the other. In doing so, I can see the potential for a future that surpasses anything I even imaginated prior to Shani’s death. Now, I know I will struggle, on some level, with the effects of her murder for the rest of my life. I can’t erase the visions or nightmares from my memory. I will probably experience sleepless nights from time to time. I will probably have flashbacks, and I still have the reality of Zeke’s pending trial to deal with. But, as the intensity of my life has begun to decrease a bit over time, my hope is that the struggles will also diminish in frequency and my ability to recognize and acknowledge them quickly will strengthen.
When the symptoms are not handled as soon as they present themselves, lives can be ruined quite easily. This happens to people frequently. Had I allowed Shani’s death to do this to me, no one would have held it against me. If I had killed myself, people would have found it intensely tragic, but I suspect it wouldn’t have surprised anybody who knew me. I know I am not out of the woods yet, and I know I have to constantly maintain my awareness. When I experience any of the things listed above, which I have nearly this entire month because of the anniversary of the date of the incident, I always have the potential for “acting out” in ways that could be self-destructive.
The first and most important step to healing from any kind of loss is a desire to get better. I know I don’t want to die, and I also know I don’t want to be miserable. I want to enjoy life. Shortly after Shani’s death, I simply wanted to die. I felt no reason to live, and the pain was so great that it was difficult to bear. It would have been much easier to just throw in the towel, but I knew that wasn’t the answer. I decided that if I had to be here on this earth, then I wanted to thrive, regardless of what that required of me. I wanted to experience happiness again.
I shared in my last post that I’m not even sure what happiness is at this point, but I do know that I have experienced it before, which tells me it’s out there to be had again. I know life does not happen in a straight line. There are still going to be ups and downs, good times and bad, great highs and lows. I feel though, that if I can get through this, there will be nothing life could throw at me that I won’t survive. I want to heal, and deep down, under all the pain, I have held onto the belief that I have a purpose in life, which, in essence, is the same for each of us—to help one another.
It’s easy to look around and see everything wrong with the world. On the flip side, you need not look far to find beauty, if you just open your eyes. I can’t stand when I see people that complain about every little thing but do nothing to change their situation. They sit and spew negative energy into the universe and give nothing positive back in return. It really is impossible, however, to do much good for others if you haven’t done the work on yourself first. How many unhappy people do you see creating positive change? Miserable people are exactly what the word says—miserable—and they impact people in miserable ways. Would you respect someone with a backyard full of trash who constantly complained about the state of the environment? Of course not!
The second step in healing is being willing to thoroughly investigate the pain you are experiencing. Everyone wants to enjoy life, but possessing a willingness to do the real self-work is another issue entirely. Those that choose to sit in the muck have simply found comfort in the familiar. Of course they want to feel better. We all do, and we are ALL capable of doing so. Life certainly deals more rigorously with some than with others, but we all have the ability to face our fears. Walking through the fire is going to be debilitating at times.
When I finally allowed the storm blow through and quit trying to avoid the real issues at hand, I was like a house completely ripped apart by a tornado. I had to start at the bottom, rebuild my foundation, if I wanted to rebuild a well-constructed life. Choosing not to address any single portion of what I had on my plate meant a potential crumbling of the entire structure somewhere down the road. I eventually realized that everything I had once identified myself as in the past had changed. When Shani died, I was stripped of all that had once held value, everything that had once defined me. When I finally came to the realization that none of that had ever really mattered, my attitude shifted and I began to see this as an opportunity to start over, to begin reconstructing my foundation. As a result, how I handle situations that arise is totally different than it was before Shani’s death.
In future blog posts I will look at PTSD more closely. I will get into the brain’s physiological response and how it stores our traumas in the subconscious. I’ll talk about the different symptoms, how they affected me and the coping skills I still use in addressing them. At first, they were intertwined in a mess of despair, like the strands of a rope, a noose around my neck that was strangling me. As I began to untangle the threads and identify each for what they were, they lost the strength they possessed when bundled together. Chances are most people have experienced at least one of these symptoms at some point in their lives. It may not ever reach the level of full-blown PTSD, but even one of these symptoms can hinder the ability to live happy, fully-functioning lives.
In review, the most important qualities necessary in moving past our fears and emotional challenges are 1) a desire to move forward, and 2) a willingness to dive deep to expose what is holding you back. You can attempt to brush things under the rug, but the longer you do, the longer the delay there will be in truly experiencing the happiness we all have deep down inside.
Better to do it now than wait until it’s too late. I am.
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