Anger Management

Yesterday, I woke up in a funk. Actually, I couldn’t tell you the last time I woke up with a totally positive outlook.  I suppose it was June 2, 2009, the morning Shani was killed.

She and I had been arguing the night before about where we were going to live when we moved to South Florida. I wanted to get a place on the water, and she wanted to be a bit further inland. I ended up being the one to bend, finding a condo only about 5 minutes from the beach.  When I awoke the morning after, I sent her a quick text apologizing for the night before.   She responded, “It’s ok babe. I get you.”  She did, too.  She always “got” me.  After that exchange of texts, I went about my day, excited about my new job, the move, and our future in Florida.  Little did I know that she would be dead later on that day.

Yesterday marked the one-year anniversary of the day that I went to court for Zeke’s bond hearing. When I awoke, my brain was spinning.  I could feel the same anger I felt last year beginning to simmer, so I made my way out for a ride on my bike, hoping to clear my head.

While on the road, on two separate occasions, pickup trucks pulled up behind me and laid on their horns.  I usually ride near the shoulder, so there was absolutely no reason for either of them to do that. With the anger of the day, I found myself absolutely steaming.  They have no idea what I’ve got going on today, I thought.

I rode about 40 miles, and as I finished, I thought about the overwhelming theme for the day—anger.  I have dealt with so much intense anger over the course of the last year that anyone close to me has seen it at one point or another.  I have given everyone a piece of my mind at some point along the way.

For whatever reason, when I feel harmed or threatened emotionally, I have the innate ability to articulate my feelings in a way that seems to carve people up, typically leaving them stripped and bare.  This is obviously not a good thing, and it’s something that I specifically addressed in my life about 4-5 years ago.  I had been doing pretty well dealing with this issue, but after Shani’s death, the filter between my brain and mouth suddenly disappeared.  I found myself ripping into anyone and everyone.  I blasted people for things they did or didn’t do.  If you said something I deemed to be insensitive or stupid, I absolutely crushed you, and I often found myself in a rage at the drop of a hat.

I was angry at Zeke, obviously.  I was angry with his father and stepmother, and I was angry with the media for glorifying Shani’s murder.  I was also angry with the people who posted totally unfounded, nasty comments about Shani on the internet.  I found myself angry with people for simply being alive when Shani was dead.  I was angry with God.

I was angry, period, and often bemoaned my plight internally.  What the hell did I do to deserve this? What did Shani do?

I had friends tell me that I had a right to be angry, and all this did was lead me into what I thought was justifiable anger.  I would sit and stew in it all day.  At the time, I felt like my anger would never manifest itself in violence, but I really don’t know.  I thank God now that I never had anyone actually call me on my anger, because I really don’t know if I would have been able to hold back physically.  There were times when it was all-consuming.  I often found myself on a jog, music blaring in my ears through my iPod, my feet pounding the pavement, just hoping someone would step in front of me, inciting a confrontation.  I was completely out of my head.

Deepak Chopra states, “Anger allowed to fester eventually manifests itself in violence.”

This is exactly what got Shani killed.  For reasons I still don’t know or understand, Zeke didn’t have the skills necessary for coping or reaching out for help.  He was obviously hurting and wounded.  I can only imagine what he was feeling.  He purchased the rifle he used to murder Shani five days prior to the incident.  He must have been the human embodiment of an internal pressure cooker during the time leading up to her murder.  Why he was so angry with his mother has yet to surface.  I have plenty of my own ideas and suppositions, most of which have little to do with anything she did or didn’t do.  I have thought about this for hours and days on end, but all I can do is speculate.  I refuse to do that here in this blog, but with the trial looming some time in the future, I’m hoping all of that eventually comes out.

Never at any point during the last year did I WANT to be angry.  I wanted to heal.  I wanted to move forward and gain some peace of mind.  I have known all along the only place I would find that would be in forgiveness and love.  I wanted to forgive, but how does one ever forgive the person that single-handedly destroyed your life?  How does one find peace with people who judged your tragedy in an effort to simply convince themselves that nothing like this could ever happen to them?  How do you forgive opportunistic reporters and interviewees talking about someone they had not had a relationship with in 20 years?  I could go on and on about the number of people that I have felt wounded by at some point or another. The laundry list was and is a mile long, and I have had to work through every….single….one.

The first person on that list was me.  I had to come to terms with the idea that I may not have been the husband or friend to Shani that I should have been.  I had to break down my ego and come down from the pedestal on which I had placed myself.  I had to realize that I was just human.  I had to get to the point where I could gain some perspective on my time with Shani and see the relationship for what it truly was.  We were a man and a woman who loved each other deeply and accepted one another for who we were, good and bad.  Just like she said in the text, “she got me,” and that was enough.

In allowing myself to be human, I was able to see the same in everyone else.  I don’t believe any of the people I felt harmed by meant any ill will toward me.  I still don’t necessarily agree with all of their actions, but I have refused to carry that negativity around anymore.  It is what it is, and I eventually arrived at the point where I could just let it be.

It took time.  It didn’t happen overnight, and it is still a daily challenge when things arise that set me off emotionally.  I will probably always battle this inclination toward anger, especially in regards to Shani’s death.

I have found though that forgiveness, love and compassion start with me.  I have to want peace before I can experience it myself, and I have to experience it before I will ever be prepared to extend it to someone else.  I have to desire the stillness of my soul and must find the origination point of my inner turmoil.  Many believe that anger is rooted in fear.  If I feel anger toward someone or something, I wonder what it is it that I’m afraid of?  What is it that I’m trying to control?  What do I fear this person might take from me?  What is going on inside ME that is taking on the form of anger projected at someone else?

Obviously, the most prominent person on my list was Zeke. There are times where all I feel for him is sorrow.  I wonder how is he going to allow himself to live when, if ever, he realizes that he is the person who lost the most in all of this by separating himself from his own mother’s love?  The day she was killed, Shani went to his apartment only out of love.  How will he ever find forgiveness for himself?  

I’ve also learned to sit still in my emotions. The one thing I have learned to count on with emotions is that they will change.  If you feel good, eventually you’re going to feel bad, and vice versa.  It’s human nature. The challenge is not to act impulsively on what you feel.  You must let your emotions process.  If you give them time, allowing anger or sadness or whatever to do what it seeks to do within you without “reacting,” without reaching out for something to change the way you feel, the insight and wisdom you gain about yourself is invaluable.  This has been the essential ingredient to my healing process, and that’s what happened with my anger today.  I have found cycling to be a meditative activity.  While riding, my mind and body warm up and whatever I’m internally holding onto eventually starts to break down and reveal what it is that’s really going on with me.

I have an understanding now that I never could have had a year ago when I was full of anger, overwhelmed by shock, and completely devastated by sorrow and grief.  I have held to the promise I made to myself last year about not letting this anger destroy me.  I never knew how difficult it was going to be or the path I would take in getting to where I am now, but I have found that if I surrender what I want and am willing to accept what I need, I’m going to get there.  

And, it is in that place that I will find peace.