What Does That Mean

I was up all night last night. I couldn’t sleep. It’s nothing new. My body simply refuses to shut down.

I fell in and out of consciousness between 7 and 10 in the morning and finally just decided to get up and face the day, what was to be my last day here in TX. My anxiety was high with the lack of sleep and the fact that I am heading back to TN tomorrow. It has been typical for me to experience my greatest breakthroughs and growth during these times of struggle, and today was no different. As I shared on my Facebook status months ago, “The greatest miracles in life happen in that place where ‘hanging on’ and ‘letting go’ collide.”

When I finally got going and checked my e-mail, I found that Tre posted a comment on my blog from last week. She’s the woman from New York who lost her husband last year. Her comment read:

“'I don’t know that I’ve ever felt so comfortable with who I am as I do in this moment. I am alone and living. I am breathing deeply and walking tall.'


Aye-men, brother.


You just articulated an insight I've been edging toward but hadn't quite found the language—or the comfort level—to say aloud.


So here goes: I am comfortable. I am alone. I am breathing. I am living. I am walking (in heels). And these days, I have more good days than bad.”

For her to say that meant a lot to me. I have such sincere respect for the courage and honesty she shows in sharing her experience. She’s a beautiful writer, and her story is captivating. She is an inspiration to me. To know that she connected so deeply with what I had written resonated with me in a profound way. This was important. Obviously I knew that it was meaningful to personally experience those feelings of freedom when I wrote it initially, but to know that it connected with her of all people gave me the confidence to believe that what I had felt and written was spot on, somehow. But for her to be there and for me to be there at the same time, what does that mean? Seeing how she was experiencing this same shift, I dove into it. What DOES being in this place mean?

What it means is that I have let go of more than I am hanging onto at this point. It means that I must be turning an important corner. It means that I should feel good about it.

Before I even briefly fell asleep at 7:00 this morning, I was riled up, but it was more than just not having slept. I received a Facebook message earlier in the morning from a friend, who was attempting to offer comfort but came across as quite offensive to me. He understood the possibilities for that outcome as soon as he posted it and detracted it right away as he explained later, but it came through my email anyway. It said that basically we need to be grateful for what we have and not to forget about my daughter. We hadn’t spoken in quite some time, and he obviously knew nothing about the state of my relationship with her in the moment or anything that had gone on in my life in general over the last 14 months except for maybe what I choose to share publicly. And frankly, what I share on Facebook or even in these blogs can only really scratch the surface. Those that have spent a lot of time with me through this know exactly what I mean. So for him to suggest that in my state of grief I have ever lost sight of my daughter burned my ass, frankly. I know his intentions were good, and I’m okay with him, but I felt the need to express my feelings to him immediately so I did. I have nothing but respect for this man. He got it and apologized. I know his intentions were good.

After reading Tre’s response, I thought about the relationships in my life and my exchange with my friend earlier in the morning.

I thought about my daughter and the current strain on our relationship. My relationship with my daughter has not been something I’ve chosen to share for a number of reasons I’m sure most people would understand. However, after a lot of deliberation, I decided that if I am to be truly honest, leaving out the love that I have for my daughter means leaving out a large part of my story. I believe I can share what I need to without exposing too much and putting her on the spot, so to speak. Regardless of the ups and downs we may face together, as any parent can understand, she will always be the most important person in my life. She IS ALL I HAVE. And coming to terms with the fact that I am currently doing the best I can provided an insight of acceptance and a piece of healing.

I thought about Shani. I was not the perfect husband at all times, and I have had to look long and hard in the mirror at the husband, friend, and lover I was to my wife. I’ve looked at the good, the bad, and the ugly and have been able to make peace with all of it. The horrendous guilt I felt over not being able to save her was crippling. But I know that I am honoring her by writing and sharing her story. I know that by taking the lessons I learned from our time together and putting them to use in my future honors her as well. Again, I am doing the best I can.

I thought about my faith. I express my faith in God frequently and allude to Shani’s presence in my life after her death in my stories. But what I haven’t ever clearly stated, I believe, is that it has been this, my connection to Shani and her spirit, that has brought me to my faith. She IS with me every day. I believe that she had unfinished business here in our realm when she died, and helping to see me through was part of that. I have more than just periodic “sightings” so to speak. Anyone who knows me has seen that this is a constant in my life, always providing some sort of direction during difficult times. Adam has seen it here in Austin. There is always some kind of message to take from it, sometimes offering deep insight, but most often, it’s approval of where I am and what I’m doing. So, for me, knowing that Shani is here, and the guidance I feel I have actually gotten from her along the way is what keeps me grounded.

As I got in the shower it all came together.

So what does being in this space mean to me? To me, it means is that I am striving to be the best at being this new person that I am becoming. Yes, I am becoming someone new. How could I not? This is not a bump in the road. This is not just a tough time. This is a tornado coming through and ripping the road up from the ground, swirling around and returning it to the earth in dust. This is soul shattering. I have seen evil. I saw Shani face it when her mother was murdered, and now I have seen first-hand how murder links you to the darkest energies of every dimension. I have also looked God in the face and have seen the best that people have to offer. I have seen the work of angels. I have seen unconditional love on incredible levels. I have people in my life that I am honored to call my friends and family. I may not have seen it all, but I have seen enough.

I’m okay out here. I mean, in the world, I’m okay. And, not only am I okay, but in being the best person I can be out here, I am confident. My faith is strong, my support system unbreakable and opportunities endless. I feel that I am letting go more often than not and trusting my relationship with God to guide me. I don’t care what the rest of the world thinks, not in an apathetic or rebellious way, but in confidence that I am following the right path. I have too few years left here, and I’m going to live them. I am going to continue to be the best person I can be, imperfect at best, but I’ll try. I fully understand that I can only be good for those around me if I am good to myself and day after day, and the definition of what that truly means becomes clearer as time progresses. What’s the worst thing that could happen? I could die. But, I’m not afraid of that anymore at all, either. When my time comes, I know, as Shani and I both believed, that wherever I’m headed is better than it is here.

And as I got out of the shower, the song “Don’t Change” by INXS came through iTunes on my computer. It was Shani’s favorite song by the band.

"Don't Change"

I'm standing here on the ground

The sky above won't fall down

See no evil in all direction

Resolution of happiness

Things have been dark

For too long

Don't change for you

Don't change a thing for me

I found a love I had lost

It was gone for too long

Hear no evil in all directions

Execution of bitterness

Message received loud and clear

Don't change for you

Don't change a thing for me

I'm standing here on the ground

The sky above won't fall down

See no evil in all directions

Resolution of happiness

Things have been dark for too long

Don't change for you

Don't change a thing for me

I asked Shani out loud, “Is that for me?” and then got ready to go to the gym.

As I began my workout, I hit play on Shani’s iPod. The first song that played was “Left Forever Be” by The Chemical Brothers.

And how does it feel like

To wake up in the sun,

And how does it feel like

To shine on everyone,

How does it feel like

To let forever be,

And how does it feel like

To spend a little lifetime sitting in the gutter

Scream a symphony..

I don’t know about screaming a symphony, but I’ve done my share of screaming. “Maybe it has something to do with that beauty in the breakdown thing, the symphony that is created through our suffering,” I thought to myself.

The very next song? “Don’t Change” by INXS.

I get it, and I hear ya babe. Thank you. Love you.
I’m staying out here for a few more days. I’ll figure it all out in time. I know that eventually I’ll have to leave my current home and that area of the country. Too many memories, and I don’t need to subject myself to them 24 hours a day. I’m meeting new people, having new experiences in new places. They don’t know me, my history or my story. They know me and appreciate me as I am now, in this moment. It’s all about now, living in the now, The Power of Now as Eckhart Tolle wrote. It’s all we have, and living in the past or the future does nothing but cause damage. It doesn’t mean that we forget our past, but that we carry the good and leave the bad. It doesn’t mean that I don’t experience grief, pain and sorrow. It’s quite the opposite, actually. It means that I embrace and express those feelings when they come! I can cry, I can curl up in a ball, and I will recover. I will keep going. Living in the moment while on the road has only provided more insight into this, and I want more.

I have family members and friends that worry about me out here, as if I am escaping or going to lose myself somehow. If you’re one of those people, please don’t worry. If anything, I’m finding myself. Celebrate that, please. I’ll be back soon. And then I’ll be leaving again…