To Men

I went on a couple of dates this week with the same woman.

I’ve been putting myself out there socially a bit more recently and have been out with a few women prior to this, but this one was different. We have a lot in common and a lot of differences at the same time. Good differences, the kind that complement each other. With all that’s happened in the last year or so, I’ve had enough time to think about the qualities that I’m looking for in a woman, and it just so happens that she has a lot of them. There’s no need to worry. I’m not running off to Vegas, nor am I allowing myself to be vulnerable to the point of having my heart completely trampled on…at least not yet. If anyone has had to learn what it means to “live in the moment” and cherish it for what it is, it’s me, and I’m doing just that. Hell, I could never see this woman again, and I would still be forever grateful for what she has already given me. The beauty of the last few days is that I can now see that I can actually develop feelings for someone again, someone other than Shani, someone very different from Shani. This is good.

This revelation initially brought me to my knees. I was emotional. Crying. And at first I didn’t know why, but I got to the bottom of it. I always do.

It was guilt I was feeling.

I looked in the mirror and wondered why I didn’t “get it” back before Shani died. I wondered why I took so many things for granted that I could never even consider overlooking now. For a long time, I beat myself up badly for not being everything I thought I should have been to Shani. I wondered why she had to die in order for me to see these things about myself?

You can’t go back, but looking back is often quite healthy.

Over the last 15 months, I’ve taken the time to dive into who Shani and I were together—the good, the bad, and the ugly. I vowed not to repeat the same mistakes and to become the best person I could be in all aspects of my life, and I have come to the conclusion that this is the best way to honor Shani and our relationship. I need to implement all of the lessons I have learned from our time together to create a better life for myself and to be a living example of the love that we had for each other. I’m not to hold onto it and to grieve over her not being here, but instead to give it away, to express myself with that as my foundation, drawing more beautiful people into my life. I get it now.

So guys, this blog is for you. I’m sorry if you end up with a printed copy of this laying on your pillow tonight, but read it anyway. Your girlfriend/wife is probably trying to tell you something.

I thought I might share a few of the lessons I have learned through my experience, primarily for the men out there.

Most important. Be kind. You know the old saying, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all?” Of course you do. It may be one of the first lessons we’re ever taught. It’s true. It’s absolute. There is no questioning this one. Don’t project your stuff onto your partner. Yes, it seems that it’s normal to take things out on the people we love the most, but it’s also a choice. When I look back at the time Shani and I wasted being angry with each other, I realize how petty so much of that stuff actually was. If you expect to be treated with kindness, then give it first.

Be courteous, and be attentive. No woman I am with will ever have to worry about opening her car door ever again. This may seem minor to you, but it isn’t to me. Life starts with the little things. There is no place that I have to be in such a hurry that an extra 10 seconds is going to make a difference. Be a gentleman in every way possible.

Be affectionate. Hold her hand. Embrace her. Smile. Cherish her.

Get up and go! There is nothing on the television more important than having the opportunity to spend time with the woman you love. Don’t be lazy.

Be patient. Lighten up. Get over yourself.

Dance. Yep. I said it.

Most importantly, accept and love her for who she is. Watch her as she sleeps. Watch her walk, her mannerisms, and the things that make her unique. Hold onto them. Appreciate the smiles and the passing glances. Find the beauty in the fact that this woman has chosen you. Find gratitude for the love in your life.

In a nutshell, be a man.

Early on after Shani’s death, I was beating myself up for everything. It started with the feeling that I thought I should have been able to save her. I know that Shani always felt that I could protect her. I thought that I could. The thought of her sitting alone in that car as she was shot to death and being able to do nothing about it made me feel like I was less than a man. I felt weak. And from there, the self-loathing proceeded to wishing I had been a better man, friend, husband, and lover to her.

I’ve gotten through all of the guilt and shame now, though. I wasn’t a bad guy before she died. I wasn’t a horrible husband or friend either. But I do know that I could have been better, that I can be better. In fact, I am better. I will never again be the person I was before June 2 of last year, and for that I am blessed and grateful.

A very good friend of mine told me early on, “Mike, you gave her the best 10 years of her life. That’s all you need to know. Nothing else matters.”

I know that what he was said was true, except for the nothing else matters part. She also gave me the best 10 years of my life. And what I also know now is that the best way to honor her is to make the next 10 years, and my new relationships, even better, and that is all up to me, just as it is for you.