My Last Blog...For Now

“When people are faced with an evil that’s incomprehensible, they will respond and turn it into something positive.”  -Dr William Petit, Jr.

I came upon a People Magazine this morning and found an article that I could certainly relate to. During a home invasion in 2007, Dr. Petit’s wife and two daughters were murdered and he was brutally beaten and left for dead. Somehow he was able to escape and survive. Further into the article, I learned of the non-profit that he has set up in honor of his family and the $1.4 million that it has generated to this point. The story also told of his struggles to this day in trying to survive his horrible tragedy, including moving in with his parents and abandoning his medical practice. When I read the quote above, I reflected on my own experience. For months and months following Shani’s death, I held onto the belief that in doing something positive, in writing a book, or setting up some type of non-profit championing non-violence, I would honor Shani, and I began to put all of that in motion. Still reeling from the effects of intense grief and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I began bulldozing ahead, following the path of the hero.

You know, though, when I look at Dr. Petit’s experience, one thing that is very apparent is the fact that no matter how much he does for anyone else, no matter how much positivity he is able to bring into the world, there are still going to be days when the most that the good doctor will be able to do is to open his eyes and breathe. No matter how many times he shares his story with others or shows that he has the strength to get through, no one, not me, not you, not even his best friends and relatives can begin to scratch the surface of the nightmares raging in this man’s mind on a daily basis. At the end of the day, his wife and two daughters, the career he constructed and the home he lived in are all gone. Everything that he built his life on was gone in an instant. And I can promise you that every morning when he wakes up, he is well aware of how he got to that bedroom in his parents house. He knows that his wife and daughters will not be waiting for him in the kitchen. He knows that he will be drinking his coffee alone, and he also knows that they are gone…forever.

I’m taking a step back from the blog for now. It was interesting that I came across this quote today, as the decision to shelve the blog was already done. Months ago, if I had read that quote, I would have taken it as a sign that I was to keep going. I was to get up every morning, dust myself off and keep driving forward. Not today. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel that I will do something positive in my life. This life may break my body, even lead me to the belief that I have lost my mind, but it will never, and can never, break my spirit. If I can find the strength to get up every day and face what this world has to offer in the midst of what I’ve had to deal with, there is nothing, and never will be, anything that will kill my soul. That you can bank on, folks. I might not know much, but I will face every day with the strength and courage that I have been given, because I have entirely too much life left to live and too much love left to express.

I’ve been struggling with the blog for a while now. I find myself trying to come up with something inspirational to share with everyone. I think about the things that I have going on in my life and feel like I’m losing my privacy…again. It’s become a burden, and I feel like I’m boxing myself in here. I find myself caring too much about what others think when I post stuff. The original idea behind this whole thing was to create a platform upon which to market the book as well as an avenue to connect with and help other people in the process. As for the latter motive, I know that it’s been beneficial. I’ve been blessed to connect with people in ways I never could have imagined, from people dealing with loss themselves, to PTSD survivors and those just trying to help the grieving, not to mention the number of people who have used my story to look at the things in their lives that they take for granted. I promised myself from the very beginning of the book project that I would be absolutely 100% honest throughout this whole process. If I continue to press forward with this right now, I’m not being honest with myself and my writing will not be authentic. If I have learned one thing over the last 17 months, it is that if I can’t be true to myself, then there’s really no point in it. It doesn’t mean that I won’t resume my writing here or that I won’t have an occasional story I’d like to share.

I truly believe that this is not my first rodeo here. This is not the first time my soul has walked the earth. I am, not to sound too cliché, “an old soul.” So was Shani. I believe that we chose each other and that we were together to teach, love, live and learn together. There is still a lot for this soul to experience during my time here, but for now, it’s time to simplify things a little bit. I’ve thought a lot about my purpose in recent weeks, and I have come to the conclusion that it’s time to quit living any part of my life for anyone else other than myself. It’s not about being selfish, or self-absorbed to the point that I disconnect from others, but actually quite the opposite. It’s just that it’s time to break down the façade, or at least what’s left of it and live my life in a truly authentic fashion. I’ve done my best to do so until now, and I’ve reached a plateau. It’s time to go even deeper within myself, to let go of any and all expectations and trust completely that by showing up every day, clearing myself of my mental attachments and allowing my spirit to connect directly with God that I will end up wherever it is that I’m supposed to be in any given moment. It’s time to continue this spiritual journey and focus on me on a level that I have yet to experience. It’s not going to be easy, and I’m sure I’ve got plenty of stuff yet to uncover, but I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.

What I had and continue to have with Shani was and is something very, very special. When I strip the relationship down to its innermost layer, what I can say about the time that we shared together was that we supported each other. We had give and take. We allowed the other person to fall apart, to walk their own journey knowing deep down in our souls that they would be there waiting for us when we came back. We loved each other and saw the potential that each of us had. We held each other accountable and pushed one another to be the best we could be, whether in work, personal relationships or in our marriage. We loved, we laughed, we cried and we fought. We put our shit out on the table and let it fly. We trusted one another with our hearts and souls. And when people talk about losing their passion for their lover over a period of time, I feel for them. We certainly had our times when we needed to spend some time apart, but the desire we had for each other never diminished. She was my soul mate, and we were a very powerful team for 10 years.

I want to connect with a woman again. I want to trust a woman with my deepest, darkest secrets and know that no matter how much I scare her, that I will receive compassion and understanding in return. I want someone who can see me for the strength and love that I possess, regardless of where I have been or even the “stuff” I may carry with me in some form or fashion for the rest of my life, and I know that all of this is possible. One thing that Shani and I understood very well is that while there were times in our relationship where the other person had to carry the load, we also knew that neither of us was good for the other if we weren’t constantly working on how we could be our best individually. In order to get what I’m looking for, it’s time for me to get back to really working on me with nothing but 100% honesty.

Just a week before Shani was killed, she and I spent our last day together at the beach. I remember thinking as I watched her on the beach chair reading a book just how comfortable she looked. She was good in her own skin in a way that I had never seen. And in that moment, I felt like we had made it. She had finally come to a point in her life where things were falling into place and we were about to witness the payoff of all of the hard work we put in together. We were there, so to speak.

I can almost hear her speaking to me now, because I know exactly what she would say. She would call me out. Shani would say today, the same thing she said 10 years ago when we left Chattanooga for Atlanta. She would say, “You’re wasting your time here. You have too much to offer and I don’t think you know just how successful you can be.” She was right then, and she’s right now. My time in Chattanooga has proven to be valuable beyond measure, but I have reached a plateau and find myself beginning to slip backward. I have another door being presented in front of me right now, and I’m ready to open it.

So in getting back to Dr. Petit’s quote, I think of what that “something positive” means to me. Today, I define success a little differently. For me, success simply means finding a way to be comfortable wherever I am in the moment. Success means accepting who I am and what gets thrown my way. Success means being a good friend, son, brother and father. Am I any less inspirational than Dr. Petit if I was to live the rest of my life with a good job and a roof over my head? Am I any less a champion if I find peace within myself? Do I need to conquer the world in order to prove to everyone else that I’m okay, or is it just okay to wake up in the morning with wonder for what the day might bring?

For now, I’m willing to start with the cup of coffee and go from there. I’ve never really been in control anyway, and from here I’m ready to let go even more.