Who Am I...now?

Sitting in a coffee shop alone in Austin on a hot Sunday afternoon, I look around and know no one. It was suggested that I would enjoy the vibe at this establishment as it represents some of the true, funky character that permeates this city. Everyone, including all of the customers and staff, seems to have at least one tattoo, and I can pick out at least eight different ethnicities or nationalities among them. It’s a very Bohemian theme, also prevalent in a large percentage of the other businesses I have visited as well.

Geneology & Geography

Over the course of my life, I have had situations that have caused me to question my spirituality, none more so than Shani’s death. Growing up, it was never a question. I was raised in a Catholic family, and I was taught this was God we’re talking about here. I wasn’t about to challenge something that could result in my spending the rest of eternity burning in hell. I believed what I believed, and that was that.

When Shani and I met, we were both searching for a sense of meaning in our lives. As time wore on, we became acutely aware of the soulful connection we shared. Shani’s journey was launched with the death of her mother when she was 21, and mine from my divorce at the age of 22. I never thought I would be a divorced father at the age of 25, and she certainly never could have imagined being motherless with a father in prison at the age of 30.

Attachment Brings Suffering

What if everything with which you identified yourself in this world was suddenly gone? What if your spouse was murdered, your career evaporated, and your home all disappeared as if into thin air? What if you found yourself so distraught and haunted that you couldn’t sleep? What if you felt as if you had lost your mind? Where would you find peace or solace?

The Spiritual Path

This week has been quite an introspective time for me. Sean has been out of town on vacation, so we haven’t been meeting to write, and I’ve had a lot going on personally. Things seemed to be all over the place. Whenever I find myself emotionally spun like this, I will inevitably find myself standing there, looking up at the sky, asking, “What do you want me to do with this?”

It was the same back on the night of June 2, 2009. While just trying to make it through the night before catching my flight from Fort Lauderdale back to Atlanta, that was the exact question I posed to God.

“What do you me to do with this?”

Spirituality

I went to bed last night with the intent of riding my bike this morning. Over the past few months, I’ve been able to sleep 5-6 hours on average. I usually get up once during the night for about 30 minutes or so after a couple of hours, grab a small snack before crashing for a few more hours. Last night, I went to bed around 12:30, woke up at 2:00, and ate a small piece of cake left over from the get-together we had Sunday night. I lay back down around 2:30 and just stared at the ceiling. I was wide awake until about 5:00. It was then that I knew the ride wasn’t going to happen, so I took some melatonin and slept until about 9:30.